Recently, I described parenting as (paraphrasing) the ultimate reminder that you aren't the most important thing in the world, one of the best examples of that which is 'greater than oneself' .

To which a very good counter-point was raised: 'Yeah but somehow almost all parents I know are assholes anyway.'

It's an unfortunate fact. But why?

Before I can attempt to answer that question, here is how I view human personality:

Each of us is the summation of several different identities, simply constructed one-dimensional personalities which can be considered a way to view/act in the world. As an example, take your profession. The most exceptional and the sublime of careers constitutes an identity to some degree.

Say you are a doctor. That would be one of your identities. The doctor (and every other identity) has a limited but well-defined perspective. Even off the job, you are making many of your decisions as the doctor. Conversely, on the job, many of your decisions are made, for better or for worse, by identities completely detached from the doctor.

Even if you are a cashier, or a McWorker, and you hate your job. Even if, whatever you do, your job is just a job, it constitutes one of your identities.

The degree to which each of these identities help constitute the absolute self is variable and very mercurial. New identities, new experiences, and the passage of time itself all lend themselves to strengthening and weakening identities. In a given situation, an individual's thoughts or actions can be seen as a result of one of the identities (or sometimes a compromise of a couple identities) and the identity responsible is based a lot off of circumstance and how strongly rooted the identity is in the given individual. Identities strengthen and weaken over time, sometimes they die out completely (although I believe this is very rare).

That's my take on personality, so with that out of the way...

We are given a few freebie identities straight from the beginning. One is a selfish schmuck. Think about it, how well could any animal survive if they couldn't think and operate selfishly? Because of this, the selfish schmuck is one of the most strongly rooted and primitively essential identities we have.

This can be good. Everyone has enemies, and one of yours has decided to break into your house to kill you. Since you (selfishly) value your life above his/hers, you defend yourself and hurt/kill that person.

This can be bad. Somebody you know has a limited edition Grognak the Barbarian Issue 1 comic book! It's hard to come by and you want it. Since your happiness (selfishly) is more important than the property rights of the comic's owner, you decide to steal it.

This can be annoying. You decide to go in public to purchase some goods from individuals who (selfishly) aren't as important as you in the presence of other consumers who (selfishly) aren't as important you. Your time is more important, so when you stand in a line with 3 people in front of you and you are holding just a couple of items, you sigh, start tapping your feet impatiently and look at your watch every few seconds.

Another freebie identity is the cooperator. Empathy, altruism, teamwork and the like are often a result of this identity. And yes, it is ingrained, not learned. I'd gladly site a sufficient amount of resources in convincing any skeptical commenters (I welcome them below).

There are a couple of other basic identities with which we are born, but every other identity is learned/acquired.

An identity which I (relatively) recently acquired is father. This happened around the time my son was born. I think the birth of my identity as a father was most strongly salient to me for the first time when I was helping his mother (or at least trying) through labor. [On a side note, if you want to connect with an individual on a level you never knew possible, just be with them through labor!] I think her identity of mother became salient long before that.

Yet, my definition of parenting stated above was not at all to suggest that the both of us are unselfish people now. That suggestion makes me laugh. Neither of us are. (For that matter, nobody is).

What I do believe it means is that we have a new identity that operates from a point which is detached from selfishness. How often we are able to do so depends on circumstances in which we find ourselves and how strongly we have come to adopt our new identities.

And I can tell you, it's not an easy identity to adopt. You literally fight with yourself at times. And sometimes the fight stops there. That's the easy solution. That's the answer to the question, that is why parents are still assholes.

Nobody ever fully becomes the parent. There's always more operating there than meets the eye.

Now, whether or not you are a parent, I think you can get something out of this post. Try to brainstorm and list as many of your own identities as you can. Introspecting and beginning to understand the identities that constitute your absolute self is a good stride in understanding your behaviors. If you are like me, you will want to act on that understanding and try to improve the bad behaviors. This is a never-ending struggle, but I do think it's worth it (that's the problem solver speaking, one of my most deeply rooted identities).